Dead Run

Dead Run, by Jonathan Black

October, 1981  Jove Books

So obscure there isn’t even a cover image online, Dead Run is presumably by the same Jonathan Black who turned out a series of paperback originals in the 1970s before finding more fame in the 1980s (in the UK, at least) with super-fat, super-long blockbusters like The World Rapers and The Carnage Merchants; as I mentioned in my review of The Ms. Squad #2, “Jonathan Black” was a pseudonym of prolific writer Bela von Block. 

Was this Jonathan Black that Jonathan Black? I have no way of knowing, and really, it doesn’t matter. Let’s just judge the book on its own merits. For one, we have here a serial killer novel. The particular type of victim this killer goes after is…joggers. Joggers in NYC. Jonathan Black, whether it was Bela von Block or not, has a theme and he’s sticking with it…Dead Run is so of its moment, capitalizing on the then-current fad of jogging, that you start to hate the joggers as much as the serial killer does. 

But then, perhaps that was Black’s intention. Dead Run is also curious because we have here a book where the author clearly hates every single one of his characters. There is this droll, eye-rolling tone to the narrative that makes it clear Black is “taking the piss” as the British would say, but ultimately it serves to make the book uninvolving. When even the author doesn’t give a shit about the characters he is killing off, why should the reader? 

Well anyway, Dead Run is also very much a New York novel. New York landmarks are mentioned, New York personalities are presented and dissected. We’re only talking Midtown-type people…trendy, affluent people who have given up cocktails to take up jogging, the big new fad that’s swept the city. Every single character in the novel has something to do with jogging, from the many victims of the killer to the ostensible “hero” of the book (I use quotes because the guy barely appears in the text), a former cop turned private eye – he too is pulled into jogging by a young woman who has her eye on him, despite being married. 

Oh, and that’s another thing. Jove Books as expected hypes up the sex quotient of the novel…but friends, there is none. Jonathan Black relishes in dangling the prospects of juicy a-doings, from the aforementioned young lady who just desperately wants to get laid by anyone who isn’t her husband, to the big movie star who is focused on her body, to the widow of one of the victims who keeps throwing herself at the ostensible hero…but nothing ever happens. Sex is always brushed off – the private eye in particular brushes off sexual advances, from both the widow and the horny married girl, to the point that the reader starts to get one of those “hmmmm” suspicions…especially given that the guy just wants to run home and give his dog a walk. 

I guess I should start using names for the characters to make this thing easier. Simon Larsen is the hero of the tale, a former NYC cop now barely making a living as a private investigator. The back cover has it that he’s brought in by the cops to crack the case, but that’s not really true – as usual I doubt the copy editors actually read the book. Instead, an old acquaintance named Ritalin who is still on the force (presumably he too later quit, to come up with a drug named after himself for hyperactive children) comes to Larsen to get an outsider’s view on the case…in other words, Larsen is strictly off the books, with no official involvement with the case. 

That is, until the sexy widow of the first victim comes to him and hires him, showing off her lush legs and basically telling him she wants to do him right there in his dingy office. Clearly Jonathan Black is catering to the private eye trope – the widow herself claiming as much – but our boy Simon fends off her advances, grudgingly takes her job, and gives his dog a walk. Hmmmm…. 

Black follows the formula of the standard mystery novel by given frequent chapters over to one-off characters who are about to become victims of the murderer. As mentioned Black’s distaste for these people is so palpable that the reader ends up siding with the killer; or then maybe Black is going for a dark comedy approach, which seems to be the case. It just gets old for 250-some pages of small, dense print. 

We have the guy who has become a devoted runner despite his wife’s distaste for the whole thing (ie the widow who later throws herself at Simon Larsen), the movie queen who jogs to keep her spectacular body in shape (truly a dark comedy scene, as she worries about a roll of fat beneath her chin – which is exactly what the killer’s attack dog latches onto when it mauls her to death), the young woman who signs up for the NYC race and who has the misfortune of being paired with…the killer himself, and so on. 

There are many other victims besides, and to his credit Black varies up the kills. The aforementioned dog attack is one avenue…the killer gets into the whole killing business by “accidentally” running a guy over while he’s jogging, then wondering if he did it on purpose, then realizing he enjoyed it. This is another of those novels where we know who the killer is from the start – a disaffected businessman who runs over the first victim on a whim, then realizes he wants to kill more of those goddamn joggers – but we are never given his name. He’s just never mentioned by name in his infrequent chapters. 

The mystery is more concerned with Simon Larsen figuring out who the killer is…that is, after pages and pages have been focused on Simon picking up jogging, at the behest of sexy young Katie – the horny married girl. As I say, Black’s distaste for his New York personalities is palpable; they’re all paper-thin, focused on the latest trendy thing; Katie wants to have an affair because she writes about them for her women’s magazine, and she’s always wanted to try one for herself, but she keeps striking out. 

The cops too are pugnacious, stupid, more prone to petty backstabbing than solving the case…and meanwhile the killer wracks up some impressive kills, often focusing on the various marathons that run through the city. And oh man. Tons and tons of narrative is given over to the discussion of these marathons, from organizing them to planning their routes…just so, so many characters involved in the jogging world, talking about jogging, thinking about jogging….just on and on and on. 

It’s one of those books where Simon owns a gun that he never carries, and besides he informs Katie he’s a “lousy shot.” So forget about action. Dead Run really is a mystery novel, one with a darkly droll sense of humor, given a “trendy jogging” overlay. 

So then a lot of the narrative is focused on those one-off characters, how they got into jogging, why they jog, going out for a jog…and getting killed by the murderer while jogging. There’s a very slow buildup as the cops and the people of New York slowly come to grasp that there is a “jogging killer” afoot (lame pun alert), and eventually the novel morphs into a procedural where Simon and the cops try to figure out who he is and stop him before he kills again…and meanwhile all these big marathons are being planned. 

It was curious reading Dead Run after the Boston Marathon bombing. The killer never achieves anything so drastic – once again fiction pales in comparison the horrors of reality, especially when radical Muslim terrorists are involved – but Black does manage to convey a sense of horror as the runners go about their race, oblivious that a killer is among them. That said, even here the victims are treated with tongue firmly in cheek, like the guy who finally succumbs to taking a drink from the water stand as he staggers by it, thirsty from running…and ends up drinking water that has been fatally spiked by the killer. 

Jonathan Black as expected centers everything around jogging in the finale: the big NYC marathon, Simon running it with Katie, on the lookout for the killer. At least his gun makes an appearance, but the finale is pretty anticlimactic (spoiler alert: Simon shoots the killer, the killer dies, that’s it). Oh and at the end Black has Katie casually reveal she’s filed for a divorce and now Simon had better give her some good lovin’! 

Overall Dead Run was fun for a peek at a lost Manhattan – like a lot of novels of its day, it manages to bring to life that lost era of the city, with the caveat that Black’s characters are too highfalutin to hang out in the seedier areas of New York – but overall the droll narrative tone lets the project down. Not to mention the hero who somehow manages to fend off the advances of two sexy women…hmmm….

Star Fire

Star Fire, by Ingo Swann

May, 1978  Dell Books

I recently discovered this obscure paperback original at a Half Price Bookstore…and they only wanted 99 cents for it; a rarity these days. Dell Books, always one of my favorite publishers, pulled out all the stops for this one, with an embossed title and green tipping (or whatever it’s called – where the edges of the pages are all colored green). It’s a shame books look so bland today; Star Fire essentially jumped off the shelf, surrounded by a few recent thrillers, proving once again that those paperback publishers of yore knew what they were doing. 

They also had great copy editors back in the day, because once again we have a book where the back cover copy promises something other than what is delivered. Same goes for the first-page preview, which in pure “1970s trashy potboiler style” lists off a few characters, loglining their quirks and sexual peculiarities, really hyping up a lurid vibe that doesn’t quite exist in the book itself. I’ve said it before, but I love how ‘70s paperback publishers hyped up the sexual content of their books – it was like the top selling feature. 

Anyway Star Fire purports to be about “the first psychic war,” and the back cover and first page make you think you’re going to get a suspense-thriller with kinky overtones…instead, Star Fire is essentially a political thriller, filled with scenes of Washington bigwigs talking and talking and talking. Then they talk some more. The kinky stuff barely exists, and again all respect to the employee at Dell who sifted through the book and found the stuff to hype. 

There’s only a little info provided about the author, Ingo Swann, mainly that his own psychic abilities had been documented. Looking him up, I see that he coined the term “remote viewing” and did all sorts of other psychic experiments in the era, so it’s curious he is little known these days; you’d think he would’ve at least attained the pop-culture level of Uri Geller. But I guess remote viewing doesn’t draw in crowds like bending spoons. 

But back to that back cover copy – well, it states that a famous rock star named Daniel Merriweather (which of course made me think of Neal Merryweather, of Space Rangers and Kryptonite*) discovers his psychic talent and uses it to stop US-USSR psychic weaponry from being devised. Standing in that Half Price books, I imagined a sort of Rock Novel crossed with an upmarket The Mind Masters. 

Unfortunately, what I actually got was a talky political thriller that indulges in exposition and tedium for the majority of its runtime, with occasional slaps in the face where the author shows us that he could have delivered something better…creepy stuff like corpses in a top-secret DC lab that are “neuromorts,” undead psychics hooked up to computers and used by the government for ESP spying and whatnot…or a minor female character with sadomasochistic impulses (indeed, even necrophiliac impulses, as demonstrated in the last pages of the novel!), or the fact that the main character/villain is a popular rock singer… 

No, all of this stuff is passed over so that Swann can focus on a small group of DC and military figures who talk and talk and talk. Our nominal protagonist is forty-something General Harrah Judd, tasked with heading up the army’s psychic research arena, and the main female character is Dr. Bethany Coogan, a paranormal researcher who becomes Judd’s girlfriend…their blossoming romance is also glossed over. But it does give a whiff of that refreshing ‘70s attitude when, after meeting and working on the case a bit, Judd asks Coogan (Swann has a habit of referring to all of his characters by their surnames, male or female) what she wants for dinner, and Swann relates that it’s all innuendo for “sex being proposed and agreed upon,” like a business proposal…and then he completely skips over the actual sex stuff, and just has the two as an item! 

An author can’t really bother with plot and character development when his goal is to exposit about psychic research, and in this manner Star Fire is indeed quite similar to The Mind Masters. But at least John Rossmann/Ian Ross was sure to include sleazy Black Masses and women pleasuring themselves on gear shifts and other such lurid a-doings; Swann brushes all this stuff beneath the narratorial carpet and focuses solely on talking. 

It’s even one of those books where the President of the US is a character…and he too just talks all the time. It just goes on and on…and what makes it worse is that the main focus of the incessant talking is who is behind the psychic warfare that’s being waged against the US and USSR…and we readers already know who it is! So the entire novel is Judd, Coogan, the President, various senators, various government functionaries, various diplomats, various USSR characters, a gun-runner, and other assorted one-off characters, trying to figure out who has suddenly uncovered that both the US and USSR are engaged in top-secret psychic warfare research…and we readers know from the first pages that it is none other than rock mega-star Daniel Merriweather. 

Oh and his being a rocker has no bearing at all on the book. He could’ve been a postal employee, for all the plot is concerned. The trappings of the rockstar life are not dwelt on whatsoever; when we meet him, Merriweather has already decided to dispense with his megastardom and focus only on his psychic abilities – mainly, to stop the US and USSR from their respective warfare programs, which could destroy humanity. Late, late in the novel we find out he’s a Bob Dylan type (oh, those ‘70s authors and their penchant for only giving us “Bob Dylan-style” rock stars!) who quickly rose to fame, but then got “respectable,” and then one day he sang to a flower and the flower sang back, and that’s when he discovered he had psychic powers. 

Or, as he’s referred to later in the book when the army and everyone else in the world is trying to figure out who he is, Merriweather is a “megapsychic,” capable of such feats as burning all the documents in Coogan’s office while speaking to her on the phone. This is early on the book, when it seems like Merriweather is going to become the villain who taunts Judd and Coogan…but then Merriweather disappears from the novel, in hiding, and as I’ve mentioned frequently, the gist of the book features various characters trying to figure out who he is and where he is. 

If I wore a hat, I’d take it off to the employee at Dell who hyped up the salacious stuff on the back cover; it means he (or she!) actually read the book and sifted out the few bits and pieces that could be hyped. But really there is a kinky, mean book lurking beneath the bland exposition…like Shirley Paars, the aforementioned s&m chick with a late-developing taste for necrophilia, who hates men but sleeps with them to get info for her employer, the also-abovementioned gun-runner. She is only seldom featured in the book, and we never even see her in action, so to speak, save for the off-hand mention of her sleeping with Judd’s assistant…and even here the focus is on Paars trying to get information from the guy about, you guessed it, the mysterious “megapsychic.” 

Actually, it takes a few hundred pages for all these characters to even realize it is a megapsychic. The first half of Star Fire is focused on Judd and Coogan and all these others just trying to figure out what’s going on, and as mentioned, we readers already know, and then once they’ve finally admitted to themselves that a psychic is behind the attacks, they spend just as much time questioning the reality of it all. 

I forgot to mention, but the novel appears to occur in a near-future 1980s, but Swann doesn’t give many topical details, and doesn’t really bring the world to life – except in the case of the Washington politics aspect. There’s a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff about various government administration roles and whatnot, and it’s just not the book I wanted to read. It’s certainly not the book promised on the back cover. 

The crazy stuff only exists on the periphery, but to Swann’s credit he ramps up this aspect as the novel progresses…at least a little. The neuromort corpse-psychic things begin to factor into the narrative, and also the top-secret US and USSR psychic warfare projects are enacted, resulting in the deaths of thousands in both countries. But curiously all of this is related in charts of death and destruction; I forgot to mention, but a lot of graphs and tables are inserted in the narrative, which only furthers the dry, clinical tone of the novel. 

This rampant death sort of goes against the grain of Daniel Merriweather’s entire plot to save humanity, which is something that’s at least addressed in the final pages of the novel. But Swann has spent so much time on psychic exposition and “who is really behind these attacks?” that the finale is upon us before we realize it – major characters are dispensed with in an offhand fashion and Judd and Coogan are suddenly reformatted as vassals of a new psychic era, one founded by the almost godlike Daniel Merriweather. 

I believe this was the only novel Ingo Swann published, but I could be wrong. Given his adventures in the psychic realm, I would have expected a bit more escapism, but Star Fire is curiously grounded for the majority of its 318 pages of small print…only occasionally, from the few scenes in Daniel Merriweather’s perspective, do we get flashes of a psychic at work, and these scenes are by far the highlight of the novel. That said, there’s a great, creepy scene where a neuromort comes to life and the humorless lesbian in charge of the government project (how prescient!!) refuses to accept its resurrection, insisting it is dead as she takes up a scapel. But such scenes are few and far between. 

But then, if I had written Star Fire, I would’ve made the hotstuff sadomasochistic chick with necrophiliac tendencies the star of the book.

*In one of those synchronicities I love so much, this past weekend I came across Neal Merryweather’s 1969 2LP “superstar jam album” Word Of Mouth...for a measley five bucks!  In mint condition, to boot!

Operation Nuke (Cyborg #2)

Operation Nuke, by Martin Caidin

March, 1974  Warner Paperback Library

(Original hardcover edition 1973)

I get the impression Martin Caidin took a trunk novel and turned it into a Six Million Dollar Man novel after the success of Cyborg, because truth be told Operation Nuke has absolutely nothing to do with the bionic world of Steve Austin, and for the most part really does come off like some generic thriller Caidin belatedly refashioned to get something to market quickly. 

I mean, Steve Austin doesn’t even use his bionics until the final few pages, and there’s no pickup from Cyborg, not even a mention of the Israeli woman Austin fell in love with at novel’s end. No, the Steve Austin of Operation Nuke could be literally any other Cold War spy hero, with nothing to make him notable…other, of course, than his bionic legs, left arm, eye, and other augmentations, none of which Martin Caidin makes use of during the course of the novel. 

I got a bit of a postmodern chuckle picturing some misguided kid in the ‘70s picking up the paperback edition of Operation Nuke, with its painted cover of Lee Majors in action, expecting some cool story about the Six Million Dollar Man taking on an underground army…and instead being baffled by this slow-moving “thriller” that more so comes off like a prototype of Tom Clancy. 

And really, that’s the exact sort of story Martin Caidin was writing. I’ve mentioned before that I am not a fan of his writing. He is one of those authors who info-dumps with abandon, stopping his story cold to declaim about this or that scientific discovery, or to tell us about the latest piece of military hardware, all while forgetting about his characters and his plot. This happens for the extent of Operation Nuke. 

Frustratingly, the setup is cool: there’s a massive army/world power called Pentronics, Inc. (which of course made me think of the vocal group Pentatonics) that operates under the radar and is so massive it has its own jet fighters, soldiers, and even steals nuclear arms with seeming ease. One expects a pulp yarn where the Bionic Man takes these motherfuckers down. Instead the reader gets a middling, tiresome novel where Austin goes undercover and joins them, gets bossed around by their leader and takes it for fear of blowing his cover, and then spends the final quarter of the novel sitting in front of a nuke and having to program numbers into it every several minutes. Oh, and the “climax” features Steve Austin breaking free from a chair he’s tied to. Something that would be accomplished in a few seconds of screentime on the vastly superior TV series, here goes on for pages and pages and pages. 

But as mentioned the setup is really cool. The opening alone is effective, with a commando squad led by an American named Sam Franks setting off a nuke in an African country. We then learn that this commando squad is part of a massive army that operates out of Madagascar and other places around the world; big enough to have its own staff and resources and whatnot, yet still unknown to the world at large. This is Pentronics, which will turn out to be the sole pulpy conceit Caidin gives us in the novel; otherwise he plays things very on the level. Which is to say the book is boring when it should be fun. 

Austin isn’t even given the assignment to infiltrate this syndicate due to his bionic augmentations; no, it’s because he’s a friggin nuclear scientist, Caidin gleefully retconning his character so as to shoehorn him into an unrelated novel. As part of his military training and whatnot, Steve Austin learned all about nuclear bombs and dismantling them! So he’s called in by OSO to find out the mysterious group that is stealing nuclear bombs and setting them off for the highest bidder. 

One thing I forgot to mention in my Cyborg review is that Oscar Goldman is not the boss of OSO in Caidin’s novels; rather, Goldman is a sort of second in command, and an old spy master named Jackson McKay heads up the organization. This is the character who does the heavy lifting of giving Austin his assignment and checking in on things during Operation Nuke, whereas Oscar Goldman is for the most part a minor character. I found this interesting because Jackson McKay didn’t even exist in The Six Million Dollar Man. 

How Steve Austin goes undercover is pretty damn goofy and baffling. He appears on a Johnny Carson-esque late night talk show along with his pal Marty Schiller, the parapalegic who trained Austin how to use his bionic limbs in Cyborg. There Austin, making his first public appearance after the accident that nearly killed him (and the world, by the way, does not know about his bionic implants), randomly picks a fight with a John Wayne analogue, mocking the guy’s fake patriotism and whatnot, and a scuffle breaks out on live TV…and Austin and Marty run away…to an airport…and there they steal an empty passenger plane, flying off into the night… 

I mean, WTF? Apparently this belabored ruse is to get Austin noticed by Pentronics, which is precisely what happens, but it’s all so ridiculous. Anyway they swoop in with MIG fighters and escort Austin and Marty to the secret hideout base on Madagascar. Here Austin will spend the rest of the novel ingratiating himself into the fold, pretending to be a man on the run who will gladly give his plane-flying abilities to a mercenary outfit with more firepower than the average country…not using his bionics one time. 

It’s all flying military craft and bombing places as Operation Nuke proceeds, and again it’s like we’re reading some decade-early take on Tom Clancy. Military acronyms, jargon, and exposition fills the pages and one can just imagine some poor kid in the 1970s trying his damnedest to read the book, perhaps after playing with his Steve Austin doll and various “action playsets.” (My brother had the astronaut suit with the cool red visor and the Bionic Transport and Repair Station, and probably some other stuff I’ve forgotten). 

There are other expatriates here at the Pentronics HQ, like a surly Russian MIG pilot who keeps to himself and clearly distrusts Austin. Action is infrequent and when it happens it is overshadowed by Caidin’s typical insistence on telling instead of showing, plus for a lot of the action scenes Austin is flying a bomber and isn’t even down on the ground fighting. But he soon becomes the main man of Pentronics honcho Sam Franks, commandeering nuclear weapons and even using them on enemies…and all the while Austin bides his time, for reasons Caidin can never really justify. 

We get the smallest promise of pulpy thrills when Austin, in bed, is approached by a scantily-clad woman who turns out to be an assassin, but she gets away, and later Austin briefly uses his bionics to take out two more would-be assassins. But really it’s humdrum and mundane for the majority of the novel, nowhere more so than what passes for the climax. In the US, Austin is tasked with overseeing a nuclear bomb and programming a code into it every time the phone rings, otherwise the bomb will go off. The reader thinks this will be a short blip and then we’ll get to the big action finale where Steve Austin finally remembers he’s a cyborg and takes on an entire commando force with his bionic limbs and augmentations. 

Instead, this sequence goes on for pages and pages and pages, with Austin having a nervous breakdown from the constant tension. Then that female spy turns up…and we learn she’s been posing as a man for the majority of the novel in a surprise reveal that isn’t believable, yet is unwittingly prescient in the whole trans aspect…and Austin is tied to a chair…and as mentioned he takes a couple pages to break free of the friggin’ thing! And to make things worse, he passes out after disarming the bomb, then he wakes up later and we are told in exposition that the Pentronics group has been taken out, including Sam Franks, all of it off-friggin’ page, Steve Austin sleeping in a hospital bed while it all happened, and brazenly enough Martin Caidin ends the tale there. 

Folks, if you’ve ever wondered why Martin Caidin’s Cyborg books are all out of print, and went out of print rather quickly, wonder no more. The guy couldn’t piece together a gripping story to save his life, and as I argued in my Cyborg review, the TV producers were able to better reap the potential of Caidin’s creations. Operation Nuke is a slow-going “thriller” that has nothing whatsoever to do with The Six Million Dollar Man, and here’s hoping the next novel, High Crystal, is better. It couldn’t get much worse.

Deceit And Deadly Lies (Kevin MacInnes #1)

Deceit And Deadly Lies, by Franklin Bandy

No month stated, 1978  Charter Books

I picked up this fat paperback original many years ago, excited to read it, and typically it took me all this time to get to it. Running over 400 pages, Deceit And Deadly Lies won the Edgar Award and was the first of two novels featuring protagonist Kevin MacInnes, a former Army Intelligence officer who now makes his living as “The Lie King,” going around the world with a lie detector and working for high pay. 

I believe it was the 1980 Mystery Fancier review for the second MacInnes novel, The Blackstock Affair, that made me aware of this book several years ago; it’s hosted at Mystery*File.  (The reviewer mentions an earlier review for this first MacInnes novel, but I don’t think that one has ever been uploaded.) Anyway what got my interest was the note that author Franklin Bandy (real name Eugene Franklin) included “all the sex and violence modern readers want,” which of course set my sleaze instincts a-tingling. 

Well, folks, maybe that’s true for The Blackstock Affair. As for this first book, Deceit And Deadly Lies, both the sex and the violence are nil. Indeed, I ultimately found the novel a chore to read, wondering why a few hundred pages hadn’t been cut from it. More than anything else I got the impression that Bandy was another contemporary author influenced by Lawrence Sanders; there is the same clinical prose style, the same meshing of the crime genre with the trappings of the standard “airport fiction” of the day, and of course there’s the bloated page length. The big difference is that Sanders’s novels are, judging from the ones I’ve read, entertaining and fast-moving. (And also I’ve come to rank The Tomorrow File as my favorite novel ever.) 

What makes it most egregious is that the potential is there. MacInnes, in his 40s and wealthy, goes about the world with his mistress, a stacked blonde named Vanessa. There is not a single sex scene between the two, and Vanessa is not exploited at all; the most we get is that she’s beautiful. This is acceptable, but where the problem arises is that Bandy spends the narrative having MacInnes wonder if Vanessa is in love with him. There are entire chapters where he will sit around and ponder whether Vanessa truly loves him; he even secretly records their conversations and plays the tapes back on his Psychological Stress Evaluator (PSE), trying to gauge whether or not Vanessa is lying to him. Lame!! 

Bandy works a host of “crime novel stuff” around this main story – MacInnes figuring out if his mistress loves him, because he loves her – and none of it is compelling enough to save the book. One big demerit is that a lot of it takes place in Mexico, with MacInnes talking to a lot of Spanish people with easily-confused names who speak in the polite, formal diction that Spanish people use in novels of this type. The main “crime” plot has to do with MacInnes stumbling on to a plot to assassinate a major political figure, but the setup for this plot – a taxi driver overhearing two guys discuss the plan in a Bowery bar – is so ludicrous that the believability factor is ruined. 

Well anyway, MacInnes is incredibly wealthy; he rents out his services to all and sundry, and his prices are high. Probably the highlight of the book is the first sequence, where we see MacInnes at work; a group of businessmen have hired him to find out the rock-bottom price they can pay for some land they want for development, land that is owned by a man who claims he wants ten million dollars. Here we see that MacInnes doesn’t parse truth from lies, per se, but uses his machine to detect stress levels, allowing his instincts to figure out whether the person is lying or not. In this way it is made clear that the PSE is more so an instrument, and how well it performs relies on the skill of the user. 

It doesn’t sound like the setup for an action-packed novel, and Deceit And Deadly Lies certainly is not. MacInnes carries around a .45 and we are reminded of his Army background, but the action scenes are usually over and done with quickly, and more time is spent on introspection and pondering. Folks I kid you not, there’s a part in the final quarter of the novel where MacInnes is bored and he’s suffering from inexplicable impotence, and it goes on and on and on. I mean if you’re writing a 400+ page crime thriller, never have a part where your protagonist is bored…it’s like even the character himself is letting you know your novel is too long. 

After dealing with the land-buying job – and later on MacInnes reads in the paper that the dude selling it has killed himself, and MacInnes brushes off any sense of responsibility – we get to the main crime plot, the assassination. An Assistant DA in New York calls MacInnes and brings a taxi driver over to his hotel, and there the guy tells a ludicrous story about hearing two men discuss killing someone “big” in a bar. MacInnes judges the cab driver to be telling the truth, and ultimately this will take us into a storyline involving a “Hitler” of a third-party candidate who is the target of assassins. 

But this is not the only lie detecting work MacInnes does. There’s also an overlong sequence where he goes to Mexico to find out whether a man in prison killed the son of an influential crime boss, or if it was an accident, or whatever. Bandy works in the assassination plot with MacInnes also tracking down one of the men the cab driver saw in the bar, an Australian who serves as the novel’s main villain, even though most of his appearances feature him slipping into wherever MacInnes is staying, trading banter with him, and then slipping off. Truly the novel is nothing but 400 pages of stalling. 

Action is infrequent but at least handled well, like a part where one of the Mexican gangs adbucts MacInnes and takes him out to the countryside, where they’ve dug him a fresh grave. Working with the CIA on this caper, MacInnes has been given a bunch of spy tech out of a Eurospy flick, like for example a pen that fires projectiles. What’s interesting is that the action scenes are over and done with quickly, and Bandy will spend more time on MacInnes brooding over whether his mistress Vanessa really cares about him. 

Even more ridiculous, MacInnes finds out that Vanessa is a best-selling author, and indeed has been publishing books the entire time she’s been with MacInnes, but “The Lie King” was oblivious to all this, just thinking of her as his deluxe mistress. I mean WTF?? And then there are all these parts where he sits around wondering if Vanessa is writing about him in her books, and then he goes out and buys one of them, reading it to see if there are any parts that seem to be about himself(!). 

This is the sort of thing I mean when I say Deceit And Deadly Lies is such a misfire. It’s stuff like this that takes the center stage, and MacInnes’ lie detector work is not interesting enough to salvage the novel. I mean for that part, Bandy even repeats himself with the setups; there are two different jobs MacInnes is hired for that concern a murdered child. And there are a lot of sequences of him just talking to cops, feds, CIA agents, or district attorneys. 

The climax plays out in Madison Square Garden, where MacInnes has discovered the assassination attempt on the third-party candidate will occur. MacInnes at least is personally involved in the finale, blowing away one of the main villains, but a curious note is that MacInnes himself is shot in the chest at the end of the book, and the novel ends with Vanessa appearing there, crying over him (yes, friends, she does truly love him!!), and telling him to keep breathing. Bandy ends the novel by informing us that MacInnes does exactly that, but it could in fact be taken the other way: that MacInnes does not keep breathing. 

But the dangling cliffhanger is moot, as MacInnes returned two years later in another papberback original, also published by Charter Books. I have that one too, and here’s hoping it’s better than Deceit And Deadly Lies.

Cyborg (The Six Million Dollar Man)

Cyborg, by Martin Caidin

March, 1974  Warner Paperback Library

(original hardcover edition 1972)

The beginning of the Six Million Dollar Man saga is a novel made up of many parts, as if Martin Caidin were running a theme around the bionic parts that make up his hero Steve Austin, the titular Cyborg of this novel. The first part of the 318-page book with its tiny print is like something out of Caidin’s Space Race novels, then the book becomes a Michael Crichton-esque sci-fi medical shocker…then it becomes a wild pulp yarn, then it becomes a Cold War thriller, and finally it settles in for an overlong “desert survival” climax that leaves the reader more exhausted than thrilled. 

The main thing, though, is how little Cyborg resembles the family-friendly Six Million Dollar Man. Only the original telefilm, which I reviewed ten years ago, comes closest to resembling this source novel, but having read the book I can see that a lot of it was changed, no doubt for budget reasons. Cyborg would have benefitted from a big screen treatment, but then if it had it might not have made as much of an impact on 1970s pop culture…there might not even have been a Steve Austin doll! And man, I still wish I had mine…the fake skin on his arm was so cool! Not to mention the red rubber Adidas sneakers that would always fall off and you’d have to search for them! 

Actually, I was wrong – Lee Majors’ portrayal of Steve Austin is the closest thing the series ever came to resembling Martin Caidin’s source material. Majors nails the character, which is to say he comes off like the distillation of every astronaut of the Space Race, from Mercury to Apollo: laconic to the point of being terse, so calm under pressure he could be comatose. And we are informed here that Steve Austin was indeed an Apollo astronaut, the youngest one in the program and the last to walk on the moon, in Apollo 17. 

As in his earlier The Cape, Caidin again unwittingly prefigures Tom Wolfe’s The Right Stuff in his detailing of Steve’s current job: test pilot for NASA. And yes, Caidin mainly refers to his character as “Steve,” unlike Michael Jahn, who called him “Austin” in the later Wine, Women, And War. Here Caidin gives us a lot of background detail on NASA and missions once the moon shots had been scrapped. 

I have to say that at this point I can safely state that I’m not a fan of Martin Caidin’s writing. He constantly tells instead of shows; his novels come off like lectures, given the wealth of detail and minutiae. Forward momentum is constantly stalled as Caidin eagerly dives into the weeds, usually with no consideration to what he’s doing to the narrative. It happens constantly throughout, and if this material had been gutted Cyborg would be a much smoother and more entertaining read, because as it was I really found it a chore. 

We all know the story, so I’ll skip all the details. Steve crashes out and is completely destroyed – both legs and his left arm are gone, as is his left eye, and a bunch of other stuff is wrecked. Enter OSO (which became OSI in the series), headed up by Oscar Goldman…much closer here to Darren McGavin’s portrayal in the original telefilm than the easy-going nice guy Richard Anderson would deliver in the ensuing series. Goldman is a figure of the shadow world, clearly duplicitous and not feeling the need to explain himself to others. 

Given his fame and his background – athletic and karate expertise, his service as a combat pilot in ‘Nam, etc – OSO wants to invest in Steve Austin…though, humorously enough given the famous name of the ensuing show, we are never told the exact amount they are willing to pay. Steve’s good buddy-slash doctor, Rudy Wells, helps talk Steve into the offer…and here, as in the telefilm, there’s a lot of grim stuff as Steve isn’t sure if he even wants to live. 

A little over a quarter of the way in, we get into the nitty-gritty of bionics, courtesy endless blocks of exposition. Interesting to note, the majority of the work is done by a character who did not exist in the series: Dr. Killian. Martin Caidin shows absolutely no understanding that he is writing a novel, with Killian and the other characters gabbing about bionic parts and how they work, even down to minor details the average reader wouldn’t care about. I mean Caidin’s grip on dramatic fiction is so loose that there’s a part where someone makes a minor comment about red blood cells, and Steve – confined to a hospital bed without either leg, his left arm, and missing his left eye – asks for more information about red blood cells, like how exactly they work and what they do and whatever. I mean, just put the bionic limbs on him and have him go crush someone, already! 

Boy, does Caidin really take his time here. Let it never be said that he rushes into the story. It goes on and on, with each and every part Steve gets being relentlessly detailed for the reader, usually via bald exposition. But he’s given bionic legs that allow him to run at incredible speeds (we’re just told he brakes all Olympics records), and a left arm that is equally superhuman (changed to his right arm in the TV series). Also, we are told ad naseum that Steve cannot see out of his bionic left eye – I mean this is hammered home repeatedly – but he can take photos with it. 

Caidin displays an unexpected pulpy flair with the augmentations to these bionic limbs, things that did not make it to the show. For one, there’s a compartment in Steve’s left leg with an oxygen tank for underwater missions, and also with a few changes Steve can turn his feet into fins. There are also handy little compartments on his feet for storing things. His left arm can fire poisonous darts from the middle finger – I’m assuming Caidin was showing subtle humor here by having us imagine Steve Austin giving people the finger as he kills them. He also has a steel skull plate and a radio transmitter in his rib. 

The bionics finally added and Steve having proven himself by saving some children from a burning bus, the novel suddenly turns into a pulpy sci-fi thriller as Steve is dropped into the ocean by the South American country of Surinam, to make a daunting underwater swim and take photos of some submarines the damned Russians have stashed somewhere. And for company Steve has a pair of cybernetic dolphins, one of which is an automated decoy and the other that Steve pilots, like his own one-man sub, and all this is presented to us on the level, as if it were of a piece with the grim, incessantly-detailed “medical science” tone of the first half of the book. 

Not that I was complaining, it was just so wild. But even here Caidin’s “tell don’t show” instincts conflict with the pulp, with our author bogging us down with hyper detail on ocean currents and whatnot. That said, when I started reading Cyborg I never expected to read about Steve Austin decked out like an underwater commando and piloting a robot dolphin. There’s even a bit of action as the Russians start dropping bombs – they’re in the middle of a battle, which has been staged as a diversion for Steve – and then frogmen come at him, but the action is more so relayed as chaotic than thrilling. We learn here that the Steve Austin of the novel – much like the Steve Austin of the first television season – is quite willing to kill if he has to. 

Sadly this is the only part of Cyborg that goes full pulp, and only if the entire novel were the same. Truly, it’s like something book packager/producer Lyle Kenyon Engel might have come up with – and I have a suspicion that both his Attar The Merman and John Eagle Expeditor were inspired by Cyborg, from the “dolphin commando” of the former series to the “look at my cool gadgets, dart gun, and my atomic one-man sub, which by the way is actually named The Dolphin!” of the latter. 

Clearly this entire sequence was too costly for a network budget, so it was removed. But for me it was the highlight of Cyborg, like a pleasant reward for us pulp-inclined readers for having made it through the previous slow-going half. True, Caidin’s fussiness prevents the sequence from achieving its full pulp potential, but overall it’s still entertaining, which can’t be said about the sequence that takes us through the final quarter of the novel. 

OSO used the sub photo mission as a warmup; now Steve is sent to the Middle East, where he is to slip into fictional country Asfir, teamed up with the beautiful but hard-bitten Israeli soldier Tamara. Caidin skirts with more pulpish material by introducing Tamara as she’s stripping casually in front of Steve, but nothing ever happens here; Caidin is much more focused on exploiting his own knowledge than he is in exploiting his female characters. 

The idea here is that Tamara, who is fluent in Russian – just like Steve is, somehow courtesy his time in the space race – is to pose as Steve’s wife, and they must be completely at ease with each other. Personally I thought she was trying to give Steve a hint, but as mentioned Steve Austin is very laconic and almost comatose, so nothing happens – indeed, there is only one sex scene in the novel, Steve finally giving in to the romantic wiles of his nurse, Jean Manners, but the sexual tomfoolery occurs completely off page. 

Steve and Tamara are here to steal the new Russian jet fighter, a MiG-27, so just like he unwittingly prefigured The Right Stuff, here Caidin unwittingly prefigures Firefox. It’s a taut Cold War thriller, but the only problem was that I had no idea why Steve Austin was needed for the mission. That is the central problem with the second half of Cyborg; it’s as if the first “bionic surgery” part has nothing to do with the second part, and Steve Austin could have been replaced by any generic Cold Warrior. 

I mean, at least in the underwater South America sequence it was believable that OSO needed a cyborg; Steve’s oxygen tank augmentations allow him to go underwater and sneak around a lot better than an ordinary scuba diver could. But here in the Asfir sequence, the bionics are almost completely forgotten. Only belatedly are they used, when Steve uses his bionic left arm to snap a guy’s collarbone while he’s in the process of torturing a captured Steve. There’s also a part where Steve uses that bionic left hand to smash some skulls, and I’m happy to report the dart finger is used a few times in the book. But still, any of this stuff could’ve been replaced by a standard spy gadget; why exactly a cyborg is needed is something Caidin can never fully explain. And why would OSO risk losing their huge investment on a suicide mission to steal a jet fighter? 

Even worse, the actual climax of the book is an endless trawl in which Steve and Tamara are trapped in the desert, trying to survive the elements and get to freedom. Good grief, friends, but it goes on and on. Again Caidin resorts to his “tell, don’t show” policy, making the turgid pace of the narrative seem even slower. It’s all grim and gritty, complete with Tamara’s instruction that their urine must be saved so they can wipe their lips with it to stave off complete dehydration, etc. 

Here, more than anywhere, it seems evident that Martin Caidin is shoehorning some other novel into Cyborg, as the desert trek has nothing to do with the rest of the book. That said, Caidin somehow uses it as an excuse for Steve Austin to realize he wants to live, even though he already came to that decision a few hundred pages ago. Also, it is stated at the end of the novel that Steve and Tamara have “found each other” – humorously, poor nurse Jean is just forgotten – and I’m curious to see if Tamara appears in Caidin’s follow-up, Operation Nuke, which was published the following year. 

Overall, Cyborg is a slow-going affair that only occasionally brightens up, and also there are flashes where Caidin will demonstrate emotional investment in his characters and they stop being expository automatons and show actual spark. These sequences indicate the novel Cyborg could have been, and I have to say the TV producers did a better job of uncovering the potential of the material than Caidin himself did.

The Viking Process

The Viking Process, by Norman Hartley

February, 1977  Avon Books

Many years ago, somewhere, I picked up a copy of the Avon paperback edition of Norman Hartley’s 1979 novel Quicksilver, which appeared to be a thriller with a sci-fi overlay, taking place in the era it was published but featuring a sort of “near future” gloss. The book looked cool but for whatever reason I put it away in one of my many book boxes and forgot about it. 

Flash forward to last week, and I was watching the 1981 movie Looker for the first time, and apropos of nothing it made me think of that book I’d bought long ago, the paperback with the shiny silver cover. It took me a while to figure out that it was Quicksilver I was thinking of…and then it took another couple minutes of research to discover that Quicksilver was Hartley’s second novel; this, The Viking Process, was his first, published in hardcover in early 1976 (and getting a review in Kirkus), and coming out in this paperback edition the following year. Avon Books, by the way, retained the same cover art aesthetic for the two Hartley paperbacks, even though the books are not part of a series. 

As with Quicksilver, The Viking Process is a contemporary super-thriller that has a sci-fi gloss, mainly via the tech that is used. It could be that Hartley intended the book to occur “the day after tomorrow,” but if so the text does not specifically state so. The main takeaway is that The Viking Process was so gripping that I read it in like three days, which is pretty impressive given that the book is 310 pages long. That’s like…let me get my calculator…a hundred pages a day! 

To be sure, there are some problems I’ll quibble about, the main being something I’ve mentioned here before: it’s quite hard to read a steady diet of men’s adventure and then go to a “standard” novel, because you keep wondering why the protagonist isn’t kicking ass and wasting his enemies. Such is true throughout The Viking Process, which concerns a narrator named Philip Russell who is blackmailed into helping a radical terrorist group called the Vikings which wants to bring down the international corporations. I kept waiting for Russell to break someone’s neck, but it never happened…indeed, even in the finale he is reduced to bystander while the professionals take care of business. 

But other than that, The Viking Process really kept my attention throughout, and Hartley’s writing is so assured you’d never guess this was his first (of three) novels. With its first-person narrative, thriller vibe, and “future 1970s” angle, there were parts where The Viking Process reminded me of Lawrence Sanders’s The Tomorrow File (which, by the way, I am thinking of more and more as my favorite novel); for example, the opening features Russell in a high-tech hotel in Montreal, which features such sci-fi amenities as a crystal-web window that becomes opaque as the sun dawns, and an electro-magnetic pulse that powers everything, including the telephone, so you don’t even need cords. 

This opening also introduces Michelle, a hotstuff brunette Russell has picked up the night before; the first time he has ever cheated on his wife, Julia, who is back in England. I’ll buzzkill right now and inform you all with much regret that there is no sex in The Viking Process, which of course is typical of a lot of British pulp (Hartley, I might have failed to mention, is British). Indeed, despite being a beautiful and well-built sexual psychologist who runs a sex clinic where patients have orgies, Michelle will serve more as a foil than a bedmate, given that she is aligned with the Vikings. 

The Montreal pick-up turns out to have been a con, and the morning after Russell discovers that his life will never be the same. The Vikings, who have a base near his home in the English countryside, have had their eyes on Russell for quite some time, and he’s going to help them foster terrorist attacks whether he likes it or not. To this end his wife Julia has been abducted, and Russell has to do what the Vikings say or she will be punished. 

The Vikings are led by a rail-thin “prophet” by the name of Peace, another American, one given to grandiose speeches but also capable of violent actions. He claims that Russell, who has written books on terrorism, will be able to take the Vikings to the next level, but Russell soon learns that this is a con, too. This terrorist group is interesting, given that it is made up mostly of former ‘60s radicals, ones who have turned to technology; one of them, an American who is covered in hair (and named Hairy), is clearly modeled on Owsley, but there’s also some proto-Steve Jobs, too: he’s a former acid chemist who now turns out high-tech gizmos for the movement. 

The only problem is, Hartley doesn’t give these characters much room to breathe. Given that we are locked in the narrative and perspective of Russell, we only see what he sees. And he’s always focused on the wife that we readers have never seen; Julia, in fact, doesn’t even appear until the final third. This is a crutch the novel really recovers from, as is the never-explained reason why Russell became an expert in terrorism. We know he was in the British army, and he was a climbing instructor there…but why he got into the “terror research” game is unexplained. 

Oh, and the climbing. There’s quite a bit of it in The Viking Process. Indeed, Hartley cleverly works a climbing sequence into the climax of the novel, but the problem is that it once again takes Russell away from the action; we want to see him finally doling out comeuppance to these Viking bastards, but instead he’s scaling a wall of experimental glass in a massive shopping mall while the cops do the, uh, comeupping. 

But really the reader keeps waiting for Russell to fight back, and it never comes. The Vikings quickly prove their threats are real, giving Julia a shot with a virus in it when Russell tries to talk to people during Julia’s faked funeral, and after that Russell just does whatever they want. There’s a long sequence where they go to the British countryside and Russell sees the Vikings being trained; there’s a vaginal spray can that can hide a combustible paint that explodes when you shoot it, and then there’s a long scene where Russell and a fellow captive must race through the streets of a town as a squad of Vikings chase them on motorcycles. It’s here, by the way, that Russell makes his first of two kills in the novel. 

Some of the book reminded me of the later Fight Club, in that a lot of the Viking terror schemes have to do with mean-spirited schemes carried out by menial workers who can go about ignored. Which is to say, Vikings will get jobs as cleaners or mechanics or whatnot, menial-level jobs that aren’t paid much attention to, and will stage their sabotage, like when they set booby-traps in rental cars and the Vikings put out fake “contest” rules of how “a few lucky winners” might get a car that explodes. 

Some of these “scenarios” are also more lurid, like a part where Peace takes over a hotel where execs from a corporation are having a business function and he turns cameras onto some of the rooms, so people can see the naughtiness they’re getting up to. But even here Hartley is shy with the lurid details; indeed, there is a recurring schtick of Peace turning off the monitors anytime things get too extreme, like an earlier part where Russell is about to witness the sexual torture of a Viking who has slighted Peace. 

Regardless, The Viking Process moves at a rapid clip and Hartley has a definite knack for catching and keeping the reader’s attention. But things just sort of unravel in the final third. Peace reveals that the Vikings have possession of an experimental chemical that turns people into “monsters” by melting faces and causing massive boils in the skin and other grossness, and this is unleashed on innocent people in a grocery store. It’s so vile and extreme that Russell detects chips in Michelle’s armor – oh, and by the way, Michelle has been set up as Russell’s mistress, living with him in his countryside home while Julia’s off-page in captivity, but Hartley never once explains how their live-in situation is, whether they are sleeping together or etc. 

Russell works on this chip by insisting that Michelle take him to her sex clinic – a scene that Hartley completely fails to exploit. They sit there and watch sex films of Michelle’s clients, and Michelle clearly wants to spend a little time with Russell…but instead he knocks her out and slips off to talk to his old friend, who just so happens to be a secret agent(!). Russell manages to talk a bunch of security officials into letting him stay with the Vikings as an inside man.  That said, the scene at the sex clinic is notable because Hartley makes clear that, like Lawrence Sanders, he has been influenced by Alvin Toffler: “future shock” is specifically referenced several times.

We get the novel’s only sex scene when Julia briefly appears, the Vikings allowing Russell to have a conjugal visit with his wife in a Viking safe house; Julia’s skin has been darkened to avoid her being spotted (as the world thinks she’s dead), which leads to Julia’s awesomely pre-PC line to Russell: “Here’s your chance to have a black girl.” That said, even here Hartley doesn’t go full-bore with it, and truth be told Julia is more of a plot contrivance than a character; her peaceful acceptance of her life as a captive is very unbelievable, and one would think she’d harbor just a little resentment at her husband for having gotten her into this mess. 

This sequence has an unexpected and touching payoff, but as mentioned the climax just sort of loses all the steam Hartley has been building. It turns out the Vikings will unleash that monster-making chemical in a massive shopping mall in America, and Russell and a kick-ass terrorist-busting commando guy fly over there…and there’s lots of red tape as the Brits stand around and the Americans explain how they’re going to handle it. 

It’s a strange decision on Hartley’s part; the reader wants to see Russell getting revenge, but instead it’s a bunch of newly-introduced cops and terrorism experts from the US, and instead our hero scales a massive glass wall to get the cannister of chemicals. Hartley clearly knows his climbing and mountaineering, but I found it all overdone and would’ve been more satisfied with an old-fashioned firefight…which is the one thing we don’t get. That said, Russell does take out another terrorist, by jumping down on him, but it’s kind of too little, too late. 

It seems that Hartley rectified this in his next novel, Quicksilver, which is also in first-person but features a more action-oriented protagonist. Russell himself is the chief problem with The Viking Process, and I also wished for more payback on the individual terrorists. But the world Hartley creates, this post-Sixties world of radicals who have embraced technology as the new way to fight the system (while, it is gradually revealed, selling out to the system in the process), is a very compelling one. Like The Tomorrow File, Hartley here gives us a “future ‘70s” that never was, and if Quicksilver is more of the same, I’ll be reading it soon.

Code Name: Gypsy Virgin

Code Name: Gypsy Virgin, by Max Nortic

No month stated, 1971  Midwood Books

A big thanks to Johny Malone, who recently left a comment on my review of Black Swan #2: The Cong Kiss, and suggested I read the source novel for that series, Code Name: Gypsy Virgin. His suggestion hit me at just the right time, and now I’ve read the book and by god I’m here to tell you about it! 

As I mentioned in my review of The Cong Kiss, author “J.J. Montague” of the Black Swan series was clearly the same person as the “Max Nortic” who wrote Code Name: Gypsy Virgin (and whose real name, as Johny so helpfully informed us, was James Keenan, of whom I can find nothing). This is because the plot of Code Name: Gypsy Virgin is the same as the plot of the first Black Swan novel, The Chinese Kiss: a hotstuff nympho secret agent takes a crash-course in lesbianism so she can take down a hotstuff nympho Commie secret agent who has “an obsession with cunnilingus.” 

I read The Cong Kiss nearly ten years ago, so memories of it are dim. Per my review I found it overly literary and stilted, and also per my review I’d given up reading Code Name: Gypsy Virgin not long before I read that Black Swan novel; I’d read it recently enough that I was able to detect the same writing styles, characters, and plots between the two books. I’m not sure why I stopped reading Gypsy Virgin at the time, because reading it all these years later I thought it was pretty great – perhaps proving once again that the more pulp you read, the more your brain rots. Well, brain rot is very popular now, as anyone who has a kid will know, so I’m fine with that. 

I went into the details in my review of The Cong Kiss, but simply put, Nortic/Keenan published Code Name: Gypsy Virgin via Midwood Books in 1971, focused on hotstuff brunette spy babe Erica Wilson, who had sex every Friday with a random pickup, exclusively focusing on well-hung guys, given her “obsession with big pricks;” even her apartment in Newport Beach was filled with phallic sculptures. 

Then in 1974 Keenan changed Erica Wilson’s name to Shauna Bishop, changed his by-line to “J.J. Montague,” and retitled Code Name: Gypsy Virgin as The Chinese Kiss, sellling it to Canyon Books and getting a series deal in the process. Yes, the exact same thing J.C. Conaway did when he switched publishers and turned Nookie into Jana Blake, and when Nelson DeMille switched publishers and turned Ryker into Keller. So, a pretty common practice in the wild and wooly world of ‘70s paperback publishing! 

So then, Erica Wilson in Gypsy Virgin is the same character as Shauna Bishop in the Black Swan series, just with a different name – her code name is different, too. Per the title of this Midwood publication, Erica’s codename is “Gypsy Virgin,” and Shauna’s codename is “Black Swan.” Regardless of her name, she is 24, a trained spy who has killed (but only in self-defense, we’re told), incredibly beautiful and built, the daughter of “a Polish janitor and a Swedish maid.” She is not patriotic and works only for the money, and has total control of her emotions – and, we’re informed, her, uh, womanly parts. 

She is also “obsessed with big pricks” and has littered her home on Newport Beach with phallic sculptures and paintings. She lives a quiet life of solitude, but every Friday she lets out her pent-up energy by spending the afternoon looking at her “vintage erotica books” and then going out at night to a bar to pick up a guy…and, somehow, she’s always able to get a guy with a huge dick. Perhaps she has X-ray vision which Nortic/Keenan has not informed us of. Her most recent lay was over ten inches long(!), and we’re informed Erica implored him to take her in the rear, so she could be “hurt.” Good grief! 

We know about these backdoor shenanigans because the agency Erica works, ICS, has bugged her home, something Erica is well aware of; Nortic deftly injects a ‘70s paranoia into the yarn, as Erica figures that everything she does and says is being watched by someone, and she’s always right. Code Name: Gypsy Virgin opens with our heroine being stymied out of her usual Friday tussle, much to her mounting chagrin, suddenly summoned by her agency for a top secret assignment – flown off to Baltimore where she will spend the next several days locked up in a room and learning to become sexually attracted to other women(!). 

Nortic displays a gift for dark humor with the sardonic Erica knowing she is being subjected to head-fuckery, being monitored in her private room and laden with aphrodisiacs in her food as she watches lectures on lesbianism on closed-circuit TV, complete with female models acting out lessons in cunnilingus. And plus there’s that stacked blonde beauty Shirley who brings Erica her food and looks at her with those limpid blue eyes...Erica knows she’s being brainwashed into going lez, and she also eventually knows there’s nothing she can do to stop it from happening. 

The reason behind all this is Erica’s latest assignment: Nitro Five, another hotstuff secret agent, but one who works for the Chinese. She is, however, Caucasian (hence the title of the retitled Shauna Bishop story is a bit confusing), and while the woman’s background is known – roughly the same age as Erica, a hardship life that saw her essentially raised into becoming a merciless field agent who uses her beauty and body to ensnare victims for the Chinese government – we also learn she has never been photographed. 

Nortic opens up the tale with chapters from Nitro Five’s perspective; or, Loraine, which is the name she happens to be going by as she sets her sights on a scientist who specializes in ultrasonics. Posing as a socialite in DC, Nitro Five corners the professor at a lecture, coming on to him and taking him back to her place where an explicit sex scene ensues, but as with the Black Swan books, the author brings a literate touch even to the sleaze. We also learn that Nitro Five is deadly, as she takes out a man who inadvertently snaps her photo via some sort of mind control; an eerie scene that has the man waking up, after a short visit from Nitro Five, receiving a phone call from her, and then, his mind panicked, jumping out of a tenth-floor window. 

Like with a lot of these sleaze novels, Keenan/Nortic writes a worthy novel, to the point that the extensively-detailed sex scenes become a nuissance…something I rarely complain about. But as we know, sleaze writers were expected to deliver sleaze, and Nortic does throughout, with a focus on girl-on-girl. He varies it up with occasional scenes of straight sex, in particular with the ultrasonics professor, who is seduced by both Nitro Five and Gypsy Virgin, in sex scenes that are pretty similar, the good doctor under the effects of cantharides (aka Spanish Fly) and unable to orgasm, even after superhuman bouts of sex, all of which is detailed. Erica’s success at getting him off is pretty crazy, involving her fondness for those backdoor shenanigans. 

The author works in a grim Cold War storyline that concerns Gypsy Virgin being assigned to find out how Nitro Five assassinates from afar and to also try to get her to defect; meanwhile, Nitro Five’s assignment is to lure an ultrasonics scientist into defecting to China, seducing both him and his virginal teenaged daughter in the process. These characters all engage in sex either together or in groups, the longest sequence featuring both female agents making use of the professor’s daughter in an all-girl three-way that would press a lot of readers’ buttons, given that the girl is underaged. 

But then there is a strange focus on adolescent girls, par for the course in the grimy world of ‘70s sleaze paperbacks, I guess. Nitro Five is obsessed with adolescent Chinese girls and there is a lot of stuff about the excitement of deflowering the professor’s virgin daughter. Even Erica, who we’ll recall just got into the sapphic scenario courtesy agency programming, finds her heart pounding in excitement at the thought of sharing the girl with Nitro Five. 

What’s crazy is that, as proven with The Cong Kiss, the author is quite capable, delivering a narrative style that is more refined than scuzzy. He has a definite knack for dialog and for characterization, and the sex scenes are more erotic than repugnant, as is too often the case in a lot of these dirty books. I find it interesting that he did not write mainstream trash under his own name, but we do know from this Pulpetti post by my man Juri that Keenan was quite prolific as “Max Nortic.” 

I don’t have a copy of The Chinese Kiss, but it would be interesting to read it, for the ending certainly had to be changed. Code Name: Gypsy Virgin has a mega-downer ending that to be honest isn’t very surprising, as novel maintains a mean-tempered vibe throughout. 

SPOILERS: Well basically, Nitro Five’s grim backstory has it that she was taken in as a child and abused thoroughly by her trainers in Peking as they molded her into a remorseless killer, and this same fate awaits the professor’s daughter and Erica/Gypsy Virgin; Nitro Five has traded the two of them as well as the Professor in exchange for her own freedom (as an extra dig of the knife, we learn that Erica’s agency was in on the exchange from the start), and the novel ends with the villainess going off to her Happily Ever After while our heroine (and a teenaged girl) are shipped off to be raped, abused, and trained into becoming remorseless spies by the Chinese. End spoilers! 

So then, clearly this was changed when Erica Wilson became Shauna Bishop, and I’d be curious to know how it was changed. Not much pickup was provided in the second Black Swan, The Cong Kiss, which as we’ll recall was a flashback story to Shauna/Erica’s first mission, four years ago, so I guess I’ll just have to wonder unless I get really stupid some day and pay the exorbitant prices for a copy of The Chinese Kiss, which isn’t very likely. 

Anyway, a big thanks to Johny Malone for suggesting I read this, and also to Tiziano Agnelli, who recently left a comment on my review of The Cong Kiss to confirm that JJ Montague/Max Nortic was in reality a writer named James Keenan!

Mr. Right

Mr. Right, by Carolyn Banks

May, 1980  Warner Books

I recently discovered this one at a Half Price Books. Apparently making a bit of a splash upon its original 1979 hardcover publication – the back cover quotes a glowing review from Cosmo – Mr. Right was republished in 1999 under much “parafeminist” ballyhoo. Curiously this 1980 paperback doesn’t mention that at all, and indeed does a better job of describing the book. 

To be honest, I didn’t get any “feminist” angle from the novel. Sure, protagonist Lida is a sexually-liberated young woman who keeps a list of the 30-some men she’s been with, but at no point does she use this as a proclamation that “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” Indeed, in another of those unintentionall “tells” that I love so much, Lida thinks something is wrong with her and wonders if she’ll ever find true love. Lol, there goes the “feminism” thing; Lida needs a man, after all. 

Another humorous thing is how much the sex angle is exploited on the back cover. Folks, I have to report that again we have that curious ‘70s phenonmenon of a “sexy book” that hardly has any sex in it, and indeed the vast majority of the sex occurrs off-page. There is nothing in this book to the sleazy length of, say, The Baroness, or even of contemporary popular fiction like Harold Robbins. Rather, the sex scenes we do get to read about are over and done with in a few sentences, and seldom if ever dwell on any juicy details. 

I also found it interesting that there’s nothing different about Lida, at least when compared to the average female protagonist of the day – in Robbins, in Hirschfeld, in Susann. Those authors, and innumerable others, gave us female characters who were both strong and promiscuous, who were literate and witty. All told, the only thing different about Lida is her self-doubt (she’s certain something is “wrong” with her), and also she has small boobs – though, again demonstrating the lack of focus on anything risque, we aren’t even told this until rather late in the game. 

Well anyway, Mr. Right is really more of a mystery, anyway, one that just happens to feature a promiscuous single woman in her 30s who fears that the man she is falling in love with might be a murderer. This is Duvivier, a famous mystery author who writes under other pseudonyms and who might have murdered a woman back in the early ‘60s, though Lida only learns this through coincdental plotting – her friend, Diana, happens to sleep with a guy who knew of a murderous colleage, years before, and Diana fears this man might have gone on to become Duvivier. 

A big problem with Mr. Right is that Duvivier is not built up enough. Lida reads one novel by the guy, brought to her in the hospital by Diana (Lida’s there to have an abortion!), and Lida likes it so much that she writes Duvivier a fan latter. It would have helped tremendously if we had been told more about the man’s novels, or maybe even gotten to read snatches of them; author Carolyn Banks could have had a lot of fun spoofing the mystery thrillers of the day, but apparently this thought did not occur to her. 

So, as with so much of the novel, we are only told of how great Duvivier’s books are, particularly his murders. Lida also responds to the fact that Duvivier clearly enjoys writing his books – Lida is an English teacher at an all-black college in Washington, D.C., and thus responds to what she sees as Duvivier’s gifted mocking of literary conventions. 

We also have a lot of scenes from Duvivier’s point of view; the novel hopscotches a lot, and I’m happy to report that Banks either gives us white space to denote this or just starts a new chapter. In fact there are a lot of chapters in Mr. Right, some of them as short as those in the average Richard Brautigan novel. Anyway, Duvivier is droll, elitist, and condescending – and also enjoys masturbating when devising the murder scenes in his novels. 

The gist of the novel is that Lida belives she’s found “Mr. Right” in Duvivier, due to that one novel of his she’s read; again, it would have been so much better if we’d learned more about his books. It would have helped explain why Lida, a woman who is having sex with one guy on the very first page and will with another not many pages later – and who chastizes herself for being screwed up and whatnot – would fall in love with Duvivier in the first place. 

There’s some cool stuff that resonated with me where Lida tracks down Duvivier’s real name. Showing how this sort of thing was done before the internet, Lida calls the Library of Congress and has them root through varous files; it’s a nice bit of investigative work that impresses even Duvivier, when he learns of it late in the novel. This “uncovering an author’s real identity” was right up my alley, and I’m also happy to report that Mr. Right even refers to Jimi Hendrix, not just once but a few times. 

The pseudonym stuff might have seemed revelatory in the day, but is altogether quaint n our internet/AI world. But it was cool to see the work one had to do to find the real name of an author – and, as Duvivier is told by a librarian who takes his job very seriously, there’s nothing to be found if the author specifically tells the publisher not to share his real name, something Duvivier never thought to do. 

Banks drops more ‘70s topical details here, like mentions of the pseudonymous bestsellers The Sensuous Woman and The Sensuous Man; she also references The Sensuous Dirty Old Man, another real book, but the librarian states that it was by “Mr. X;” in reality it was by Dr. A. This same librarian claims to know who “Mr. X” really is, and tells Duvivier that he’d never believe it; one wonders if Carolyn Banks herself knew that Dr. A was really Isaac Asimov. 

All these things are up my alley, but unfotunately a big problem with the novel is Lida. In another “tell,” instead of coming off as the strong and independent woman the author and publisher(s) intend, she instead comes off like a self-involved whore. Perhaps this is another “tell,” or self-own. Lida sleeps with a married man and even visits him for more sex while he’s in the hospital, all while wondering why she can’t meet a real man – we even learn she had sex with one of the students in her class, a black kid named “George Washington,” just so she could write that particular name down on her list of conquests. Or, as the kid told her – all of this relayed to us via dialog, as a lot of the story is – Lida would be able to put up a sign over her bed that stated, “George Washington slept here.” 

There is a lot of pre-PC humor here that had me laughing at times, but I’m sure it would be forbidden today, as a lot of it has to do with Lida’s comments about her black students, the majority of whom are not intelligent. When Lida and Duvivier meet, there’s also a lot of witty repartee between the two; Banks capably demonstrates how the two were made for each other. There’s also a very funny part where Diana tries to come to Lida’s rescue during a play and starts yelling that she can’t see when the house lights go down, much to the annoyance of the audience. 

But a lot of Mr. Right is made up of incidental scenes that have little bearing on the plot. Also, Banks has a tendency to write in short, punchy sentences, not much setting up scenes or giving us an idea why they are important to the story. In a lot of ways – from plotting to writing – the novel reminded me of another contemporary “spoof” of popular fiction, The Serial. 

Also, a lot of the book occurs in the early 1960s, right after the JFK assassination. This part is very much out of a mystery novel, concerning a nebbish and possibly homosexual young man who might or might not have murdered a woman, and who might or might not have become Duvivier. Banks hopscotches from the ‘60s to Lida in the ‘70s and also Diana (who has her own share of the narrative), so there really is a lot of jumping around in the novel. 

What puzzles me is why contemporary reviewers would think this novel was so different. I mean, this was an era in which a mainstream bestseller featured characters giving each other golden showers, so how in the hell could anything in Mr. Right have been considered risque or boundary-pushing? It’s altogether tame in comparison. And Lida, despite her sparkling wit, isn’t too different from sundry other female protagonists of the time. Only in her previously-mentioned self-doubt is she different, and that begins to wear thin quickly. 

Overall I’m glad I came across Mr. Right in the bookstore, as I doubt I would’ve have learned of it otherwise. Carolyn Banks proves she can deliver witty dialog and memorable situations, but all told I didn’t feel that the actual novel lived up to the sordid spectacle promised by the back cover. But then, do they ever?