The Protector #2: The Porn Tapes

The Protector #2: The Porn Tapes, by Rich Rainey

June, 1983  Pinnacle Books

I went into this second volume of The Protector (I’m missing the first one) expecting a lurid thrill-ride. I mean with a title like The Porn Tapes – I just know that title’s gonna get me in trouble with search results and other spam filters – you’d at least expect something fairly sleazy. But author Rich Rainey goes for a very reserved approach throughout; a little too reserved, given the subject matter. And I don’t just mean the “adult film” stuff. There’s also a coke-snorting mega-pastor who employs a legion of armed thugs and a psychotic woman who literally gets off on murder…despite which, the book’s still too reserved. 

But let’s talk about Rich Rainey for a moment. All I know about him is that he penned the final volume of The Warlord, as well as several publications for Gold Eagle. So far as I know, Rainey was a real person – ie not a pseudonym – but man his style is suspiciously similar to David Alexander’s. At least here in this novel. Everything from dialog to sentence construction has the ring of Alexander to it; there’s even the same penchant for goofy descriptions of minor characters, a la “discount legionnaire” and etc. There’s also a villain here named Deacon Archer, bringing to mind “Deacon Johncock” from Alexander’s Swastika. The plot of The Porn Tapes is even similar to Swastika, concerning as it does a megalomaniac preacher with his own private army of crazed thugs. 

But I’m not going to go out on a limb that Rainey and Alexander are one and the same; if anything it’s probably just coincidence, and indeed the Alexander-isms aren’t that great, with nothing here even coming close to the over-the-topness of Phoenix. And nothing even close to the rampant sex and violence of that series; the violence is almost bloodless, and the sex is surprisingly nonexistent. Again, the title of this one’s a total sham; while it does feature a porn starlet as the main female character, our hero, Alex “The Protector” Dartanian, spends the entire novel fending off her advances and thinking of her as nothing more than a job. 

As mentioned I’m missing the first volume, but Rainey inserts the series setup early on in the book, clueing readers in. Basically The Protector is similar to Bodyguard, only in third-person instead of first-person and featuring a group of bodyguards, headed up by Dartanian. But the concept is the same: Dartanian offers protection to clientele. We learn in brief background that Dartanian, a slim blond-haired dude beloved by the press for his good looks, was a CIA contractor, let go along with many others in a purge in ’74. After this he started up his own security firm, making big impact early on when he protected a VIP from an assassination attempt. For this the press dubbed him “The Protector,” but truth is this title isn’t much used; instead it’s all about “ICE,” ie the inner wing of Dartanian’s security firm – the ultra-secret section known only to a very few. 

ICE stands for Inner Court Executions, and the main members are Dartanian, Mick Potter (a former pro footballer who served in Special Forces in ‘Nam) and Sin Simara (an Asian martial arts expert who sports a moustace, per George Wilson’s nice cover). There are also a couple other redshirts, and the setup is that Dartanian sometimes brings employees over from his “regular” security firm to handle the more commando-esque demands of ICE. Another gimmick of the series is that Dartanian maintains his espionage world relations, with some of his employees (especially Sin) often farmed out to the DEA…in exchange for the DEA serving up intel or whatnot to Dartanian. 

But the thing is, there isn’t much to Dartanian, and even after reading the novel he remained a cipher to me. Perhaps that was Rainey’s intent; Dartanian really is just a spook, after all – we even learn that he’s employeed hypnosis on agents in the field in ‘Nam, and is familiar with the CIA’s MK-ULTRA initiative. Even more strange, we learn he’s done hypnosis on “UFO witnesses!” (Quotation marks Dartanian’s.) This adds an extra layer to Dartanian, one that honestly makes him seem more of a villain than a hero. Coupled with his single-minded resolve throughout the book – he seems to only think about his job, 24 hours a day – this makes him too much of a cipher. 

Same goes for the co-stars; Potter himself fends off his own adult actress admirer (what is it with these guys??), and Sin Simara seems to have a penchant for sarcastic asides, but doesn’t do much else but kick ass and hurl throwing stars. That said, he does have a great (and Alexander-esque) line: “I can’t change your mind, but I can change your face.” But otherwise there’s not much vibe to this team, and it all comes down to Dartanian himself, who is one of the more bland protagonists I’ve ever encountered. There’s nothing that makes him tick, nothing that makes him stand out. Rainey has it that Dartanian likes to dress up and is a darling of the media, but this gives the impression he’s more of a prettyboy than a hardbitten merc for hire. 

The plot of this one is somewhat similar to the earlier Hard Core in that it involves “old” adult movies (ie “loops” from the ‘70s) being converted to VHS tape, ie the “porn tapes” of the title. A ringer for Marilyn Monroe named Melonie Grand (correction – she’s actually hotter than Marilyn, we’re informed) featured in many of these loops when she was in her early 20s, a decade ago. Now she is on the cusp of mega fame, about to star in a crossover XXX picture titled Starlet, a sex-focused expose on the life of, you guessed it, Marilyn Monroe. A movie that will be “the Deep Throat of the Eighties.” The only problem is, someone is trying to kill Melonie, which is how Dartanian and crew come into the picture. 

Now if this story had been published a decade before, it would’ve been more of a sleazy mystery yarn, heavier on the psycho-sexual subtexts, with a lot more focus on the adult stuff. The killer probably would’ve been some lone wolf whackjob. But it’s the ‘80s, baby, so the killers who come after Melonie are subgun-wielding goons – indeed, a practically limitless supply of them, meaning that we will have the running gun battles that were required in ‘80s men’s adventure. The focus is so much on the action that the entire “adult film” aspect is really just window dressing, and ultimately just a Maguffin. But then it’s impressive that Rainey even attempted to combine porn flicks with ‘80s-style commando action. 

After an opening action scene in which we see Dartanian and his two comrades wipe out a trio of street criminals, Dartanian fields an interview with Melonie and her sleazy manager, Drew Wilson. We’ve already seen some of Melonie’s adult film acquaintances get blown away in gory fashion, the killers vacant-eyed psychos. There’s a lot of talking here and pondering from Dartanian as he tries to figure out who would be willing to kill Melonie, particularly who could send brainwashed assassins after her, for the killers turn out to be almost robotic in their single-minded determination to kill her. He suggests that Starlet continue being filmed, which leads to one of the very few moments in which there’s any sleaze, as Dartanian and crew guard the set as Melonie shoots a scene – providing a BJ to a President Kennedy lookalike! 

But as mentioned action trumps the sleaze throughout; immediately after the scene wraps we have another attack on Melonie. Dartanian and team – including a bunch of other unamed employees out in the street – take out the attackers, though again the gore isn’t much dwelled upon. I forgot to mention, Dartanian’s custom weapon is a Skorpion M61, which he always carries around with him – I mean even while Melonie’s blowing her fellow actor, Dartanian’s lurking on the periphery of the set with the subgun under his coat, looking around for any possible attackes. He isn’t even fazed by the on-screen shenanigans, nor is Mick Porter…who by the way spends his own time fending off the “special effects girl” who tries to put the moves on him, telling her he’s more of a fan of “real” movies – like The Tenth Victim! 

Soon we learn that crazed preacher Luke Revere is behind the hits. The pulpiest character in the book, Revere is a former hardscrabble tent preacher who hit the big time and now has his own national TV show and legions of followers. Yet, wouldn’t you believe it, he’s also a coke-snorting psychopath who has his own goon squad and sits around watching old porn loops of Melonie Grand all day! It turns out that, a decade ago, Revere “co-starred” in a loop with Melonie; in the novel’s only other moment of sleaze, we flash back to “the waning days of flower power” when a young (and hippie) Melonie came on to Revere in his tent – saying she’d always wanted to screw a preacher. Soon enough Revere’s snorting coke with her fellow hippies and receiving an onscreen BJ from Melonie (there is a curious focus on oral sex in the book, as if Rainey were too skittish to feature any other acts). 

Now, with Melonie’s rising fame, collectors near and far are scouring the bins for her old porn loops to convert to VHS and rake in the bucks with. So this obviously could destroy Revere, and thus he’s out to kill Melonie…I forgot to mention, but Melonie’s also working on an autobiography(!), one where she’ll leave no stones unturned, and this too concerns Revere. Meanwhile of course Melonie has no memory of the preacher, and besides Revere went under a different name back then, but no matter. Revere has people out killing off loop collectors and trying to kill Melonie, thus he is our main villain. 

His chief henchman is Deacon Archer, a biker type who goes out and assembles recruits to get brainwashed and go on suicide runs for Revere. Oh and there’s also Revere’s wife, almost casually introduced by Rainey – a psycho job who gets off on making her victims think she’s about to screw them, then killing them before they do the deed. This lady’s so nuts she seems to have come in from another novel, but Rainey apparently has little interest in her; she’s introduced during one kill mission, then appears again when she tries to get her hooks in Dartanian. But the dude, we’ll recall, is about as much interested in sex as the average Terminator, so her plans don’t work out as intended. 

Cutting to the chase, we have intermittent action sequences followed by puzzling sessions from Dartanian as he tries to figure out who is behind the attempted murders. His certainty that it’s Revere is hard to buy; he hypnotizes Melonie and has her go through all her various sexual experiences – again Dartanian is all business as he listens to the endless juicy details – and then he latches onto Melonie’s memory of the preacher in the tent. Dartanian is certain that this is a prime suspect, and of course soon enough figures out the connection to Revere. Oh and just to get this out of the way – no, Dartanian and Melonie do not become an item in the course of the book. The one thing you’d think would be a given, but nope…again, it’s the ‘80s now, and the genre has changed significantly in such regards. 

The finale is a little OTT; Revere has a “Heaven on Earth” villa in Millbrook (we even get a Timothy Leary mention), and as he’s preaching to his congregation there Dartanian blasts onto the scene on a Harley – leading Revere, of course, to scream out “What the hell?” Rainey has his tongue firmly in cheek as he satirizes the entire mega-pastor scene of the ‘80s. But honestly Revere and Archer and the goons are no match for the high-powered warriors of ICE, thus the finale lacks much punch…which is a sentiment I’d say extends to the entirety of The Porn Tapes. 

A few more volumes followed, all of which I think I have; The Protector isn’t bad or anything, it just lacks a memorable protagonist or any other memorable elements. When I saw the cover and the title I was hoping for some crazed latter-day Pinnacle stuff along the lines of The Hitman or NYPD 2025, but unfortunately for the most part this one was much more reserved, along the lines of the average Gold Eagle publication of the day.